I don’t even recognize myself anymore..How did I even get to this point? I have everything everyone thinks I need to be happy but there is a void I cannot fill. My cup can never be full enough, figuratively and literally. I’m trying this again for lord knows what number of tries I’m on this time, I’ve lost count. I always say, “I’m done, I can’t keep doing this to myself, putting myself through this bullshit routine that’s literally killing me.” I’ve become a carcass. A sad, miserable being whom only opens ones eyes in the morning to survive and keep going for my kids (whom I yell at way too much because normally I’m hung over and am forced to drag myself out of bed or keep them occupied with whatever breakfast they decide to grab from the pantry and whatever YouTube video they want to watch just so I don’t have to get up and exist) My older son cares but he does his own thing which is understandable as he just hit a major milestone in life and just turned 16. Im the most proud of him even though sometimes I feel like he could care less if I’m around or not..The sad and terrifying truth is when I get my shit together I’m not sure if ill ever learn to truly live and I can’t even remember the last time I was happy. Like, genuinely fucking happy. Experience things like normal people. I’m not normal, apparently. Why can I not feel the things I know I should feel? I find no real joy in life, I kind of just go through the motions-auto pilot. I love my kids, those feelings are real. That’s about the only real emotion Im able to feel every day and that’s what keeps me going at this point even though I feel like I’m ruining them and that they’d be better off without me. I love my husband too but I cant take much more of this marriage if any at all. He’s not a bad person and I know he loves me but that’s a whole other story.. My mind and thought process is like the horrible concoctions I would consume on a daily basis. A worthless cocktail of bipolar depression mixed in with a little adult adhd and self loathing /self doubt. Whatever I decide to feel like I am that day. Honestly, will this bullshit ever end? Im really fucking trying here, this time for good. I want to be around for my kids and I’m sick of being a slave to the bottom of an empty bottle. This may seem dramatic or whatever but When I wake up in the morning and my feet touch the ground I want the devil to be like “damn this strong ass bad ass bitch is awake, ill try to fuck with her but she’s become untouchable.” I know, I sound pathetic but Its a start…….